Venezuela Blogs

So America's lamest comic strip, this "Mother Goose and Grimm" drivel here, made some obvious joke the other day about how everybody is always turning up dead in weird places in Colombia, and now the Colombians are all upset because it "attacks the national dignity," as if, and the coffee growers association will now file a suit against cartoonist Mike Peters that "would not seek any less than $20 million." The weirdest factoid from the article is that this Peters person won a Putlizer Prize once for his shitty cartoons. What a world we live in.

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Bill O'Reilly Interview After three years, Citgo has suspended its home heating oil subsidy to poor families in the US, due to the fact that home heating oil now costs like 5 cents a gallon and even hobos can afford it now. So how's it playing? Lets see:

• Citing nobody, Bloomberg says the suspension was a personal decision by Chavez because hey everything is.

• The Wall Street Journal says this is proof that Chavez is now "hamstrung" and "feeling pain," and also now Cuba will have to accept its fate, shut its commie pie hole, and become the next Puerto Rico.

• The New York Post wants Joe Kennedy arrested and tried for treason or something for participating in the program in the first place.

America's back, baby!

Hooray! Your second favorite blog in all the internets, Inka Cola News or however you spell it, has been nominated for a prestigious "Web-Log" Award. You can vote once a day between now and January 12th, so vote 7 times, like in Chicago, and let's make this jackass a winner!

Under George W. Bush the nation's highest civilian "honor" is awarded each year to the worlds' most spectacular fuckups. Past honorees famously include 9/11 intelligence failure George Tenet, green zone emperor-czar Paul Bremer, and the literal loser of the entire Iraq War (not counting the Iraqis!), Gen. Tommy Franks. Tough acts to follow, right? This year, obviously, the award is going to Colombian President Alvaro Uribe, for the impressive job he's done losing the war on drugs while simultaneously massacring his own people and draining the US treasury of 16 kajillion taxpayer dollars annually, in a recession. Well played, sir. Other "winners" this year include notable screwups Tony Blair and John Howard, two disgraced former world leaders now living in quiet, alcohol-fueled obscurity in their respective homelands due to their entanglements with the Bush Administration. Maybe this award will help! Ha ha.

Remember how two weeks ago the blogz were writing about how gay-playing Sean Penn can't be a gay hero because he recently interviewed Raul Castro, who was bad to gays 50 years ago? On Sunday the meme was borrowed by the hilariously-crappy Roger Cohen in his New York Times column. Cohen says Penn is a "poor writer," a "rambling journalist," and, naturally, one of "Lenin's 'useful idiots,'" because, you know, Lenin. True, Castro "once dispatched gays to labor camps to correct their 'counterrevolutionary tendencies,'" whereas in free countries the USA we just locked them up in regular old prisons until the Supreme Court put an end to that practice once and for all, in 2003, roughly 24 years after gay sex was decriminalized in Cuba. So Roger Cohen's point is kind of stupid, but it's a nice reminder that idiots don't have to be particularly useful.

• 50 years, 11 US Presidents, and one fat failure of an embargo later, Fidel Castro is still here.

• The Moonies name Alvaro Uribe Best Foreign Leader of the year, because Franco is dead.

• Some middle aged Venezuelan opposition guy has started a new "web-log" thingy, in English, and it makes even less sense than all the other ones out there.

• Look who's trying to rig elections in El Salvador. Hint: us.

• Baltimore Orioles third baseman defects, to Venezuela.

50 years, 11 US Presidents, and one fat failure of an embargo later, Fidel Castro is still here. The Moonies name Alvaro Uribe Best Foreign Leader of the year, because Franco is dead. Some middle aged Venezuelan opposition guy... BoRev

Hey look at this terrible photo, everyone! It's a wax sculpture of the bombed out body of FARC commander Raul Reyes, covered in blood and still in his underwear, just like the night he was killed! And it's part of the creepiest wax museum since, um, every other wax museum I guess. Ok no, seriously this one in Piedecuesta, Colombia is technically more awful than others. It features "personalities from history, politicians, artists, monsters, guerrillas, child phenomena, victims of crimes and much more." Child phenomena! Don't miss the Last Supper table, which includes more guerrilla leaders, plus Hugo Chavez, Ingrid Betancourt and, hey why not, Hitler. Sadly, the 85 year old sculptor guy has to go around looking for private financial support because the Ministry of Culture has stiffed him, for some reason. Why does Alvaro Uribe hate art?

Hey look at this terrible photo, everyone! It's a wax sculpture of the bombed out body of FARC commander Raul Reyes, covered in blood and still in his underwear, just like the night he was killed! And it's part of... BoRev

• It took the CIA forty years to kill Phil Agee, but they finally did, last January, with their old age gun.

• Hugo Chavez also gives holiday pardons, only not for money, because of the Communism.

• This is the time of year when Venezuelans reflect on the greatest gift of all: boob jobs.

• The Guardian published many stories about the magic laptops when it looked like they were real, but won't publish one story explaining that they were fake.

• Not even the saddest, self-hating-est members of Bolivia's indigenous groups support the opposition anymore.

• Vote observers say Venezuela's elections are more open and transparent than ours. Why does democracy hate America?

It took the CIA forty years to kill Phil Agee, but they finally did, last January, with their old age gun. Hugo Chavez also gives holiday pardons, only not for money, because of the Communism. This is the time... BoRev

It's Christmas. The day we reflect on why we have to go to church when the Jewish kids get presents and a day at the movies. So unfair. Anyway here's a news movie you might check out today. It is a "retelling" of the Valerie Plame affair, with one small twist:... the trigger is a would-be presidential assassination that, blamed on Venezuela, precipitates a U.S. attack on Caracas. After secret agent Erica Van Doren apparently leaks the information that the Venezuelan connection is bogus, journalist Rachel Armstrong scoops the world by identifying Van Doren as a spook.I know, I know, like a reporter would call out the Bush administration for making up crazy shit about Venezuela. But suspend disbelief for just a sec, guys, it's a movie. And Christmas. Who plays Simon Romero is what I want to know.

It's Christmas. The day we reflect on why we have to go to church when the Jewish kids get presents and a day at the movies. So unfair. Anyway here's a news movie you might check out today. It is... BoRev

You people only think you know things about this place, "Venezuela." Some of you may read "books" about it. Others might "live there." But how many of you have a secret, invisible friend who is actually in the room with Hugo Chavez, watching him and reporting back to you? Crazy Washington Post neocon Jackson Diehl does, which makes him the greatest journalist in the world! Did you read his very bizarre editorial Friday? Here is Jackson Diehl, describing last December's referendum:The state election authority, which is controlled by Mr. Chávez's loyalists, delayed the announcement of his defeat in last year's referendum; reliable sources say the president conceded only after he was told by military commanders that they would not put down protests against a falsified result. The official results, showing the margin of Mr. Chávez's loss, have not been released. See? There are many things here that seem super wrong to people like you and me. If you get your information from stupid newspapers, you would have thought that Chavez "announced his defeat" within hours of polls closing, and that "official results" were made public right away. But do you have Jackson Diehl's secret insider sources? No? So shut up! That second part, the weird one about Chavez not stepping down until he did, is information you can only get from a secret friend, so it must be true! Jackson Diehl's source was there in the room there with Chavez, maybe! A real live Venezuelan double agent, who communicates with the outside world only through Jackson Diehl, just like Ahmad Chalabi in Iraq, or that little Martian guy, Gazoo. Jackson Diehl is one connected motherfucker.

Ha ha, Ollie North is living out his eternal damnation before our eyes. Once a hunked-out symbol of idealistic Reagan-era evildoing, this aging Iran-Contra douche is now fated to spend his days amassing resistance movements of morbidly obese Fox News Barcaloungistas to overthrow perceived enemies of America's greatness, in their own stupid heads. This week he's worked up over (duh) the Latins, because they held a conference "and we weren't even invited." Anyway blah blah blah "Cuban dictator Raul Castro"... "Venezuelan strongman Hugo Chavez"... "Russia"... "arms"... "America is no longer the boss"... "counter-drug-surveillance aircraft"... "Communist China"... "the craven cabal at the U.S. State Department," and, naturally, "Iranians." The End, except that he will repeat it for all eternity, with demons jabbing pitchforks at his rectum.

Ha ha, Ollie North is living out his eternal damnation before our eyes. Once a hunked-out symbol of idealistic Reagan-era evildoing, this aging Iran-Contra douche is now fated to spend his days amassing resistance movements of morbidly obese Fox News... BoRev

You people only think you know things about this place, "Venezuela." Some of you may read "books" about it. Others might "live there." But how many of you have a secret, invisible friend who is actually in the room with... BoRev

• The DEA hasn't made any progress in this whole drug war dealy, so hey why not just lie about it, right?

• Colombian military kills opposition leader spouse; Uribe explains that he had it coming

• Oh great the best hope for US-Venezuelan relations is loudmouth White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen

• Haha those shoe throw jokes never get old, and the game is ridiculously satisfying too.

• Bolivia Kan Reed!

The DEA hasn't made any progress in this whole drug war dealy, so hey why not just lie about it, right? Colombian military kills opposition leader spouse; Uribe explains that he had it coming Oh great the best hope... BoRev

Nothing says Friday like UN data tables, right? Yesterday the United Nations published its annual Human Development Index, sort of a country-by-country summary of quality of life, education and longevity of citizens (It's a 36-page PDF, knock yourselves out, nerds!) So how'd everybody do? Well Venezuela is ranked at number 68 61 (out of 179 countries), landing on the "High Human Development" list above Brazil (70) and Ecuador (72). "Medium Human Development" countries include sad sack Bush pals Peru (79) and Colombia (80). Poor Bolivia is down the list at 111. Come on Evo! You can do eet!